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It takes exactly five seconds for Jurassic Park III to become horrible, and that's if you don't count the slash forming the "III" in the opening title. After that, the ocean appears with the island nearby, and four to five seconds after the movie has officially begun, it becomes godawful. Here's how:A title appears at the bottom of the screen. It reads: "Isla Sorna, x Miles off the Coast of Costa Rica".
Then, the text suddenly triples in size, becomes red, and flashes this: RESTRICTED!
Yep. From there, you'll have a pretty good idea what kind of movie you're seeing. Sam Neil is perfect as always, this time nailing the role spot on. His character (a spoof of the first film's Dr. Alan Grant, with the same name) takes charge and does his best to have fun in a movie that was clearly directed by no one.
Appearing in a cameo is Laura Dern, who gives a delightful parody of the Ellie Satler character from the first movie. Instead of searching for SNL cast members to spoof the rest of the original cast, they left it at that and wrote in some new characters. Of these, none is newer than the totally newest and most biggest dinosaur ever, the Cartoonasaurus, a.k.a. Computergraphicus Scifichanneloriginalmovierus. In the movie itself, they shortened the name to "Spinosaurus". Aside from being the most giant predator that ever lived ever, its paleontological distinction is of being the only dinosaur known to move like the T-1000.
Since this meat-eating menace was already so new and colossal, the filmmakers decided to balance it out by making every dinosaur move like that. It's a good thing, because the Spinosaurus actually kills a T-rex early in the film. In case you don't realize how huge that is, let me put it into perspective. Only two things have ever been documented as killing T-rex: legendary gorilla King Kong, and the car crash that took the life of singer/songwriter Marc Bolan. Yes, the Spinosaurus is more badass than any of that.
Rounding out the cast are a bunch of mercenaries that can easily be killed, because they are mercenaries and thus have no personality.
Sit back, invite some friends over, drink lots of Red Bull, and have a really good time. You won't be disappointed.
